I started sleeping with this new guy I had been seeing for about 2 months. The sex was Dynamite except for one thing, his penis was bent to the left.
I nicknamed it Captain Hook. Apparently upon insertion it would create a weird angle and my ummmm “area” became irritated.
I made myself an appointment at the Gynecologist to see if anything else was Eschew besides my new lover’s member.
The night before my doctors visit was scheduled I had a dinner date with my dad.
He is a tiny man, 5’5, white hair, salt and pepper mustache. In his mid 50’s, olive skin, with Sparkly eyes like Santa Claus.
My Dad is a very unique man, most would say he walks to the beat of his own Doo Woop tune.
He has a nickname for everyone, he is obsessed with buying things in bulk. Like if you tell him you like the movie Fatso he will buy you 10 copies, just so you have them.
He “decorates” his studio apartment for every holiday, Christmas, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Easter, Ground Hog’s day.
It is like Macy’s holiday window display, exploded and landed in his apartment.
He has a huge heart though, and would never deliberately hurt anyone.
You are always guaranteed to be served a delicious Italian meal and have a ton of laughs. I arrived at his house, it was one week from Halloween so of course the decorations were out in full force.
He even had a 6 foot Cardboard cutout of Lon Chaney as the Werewolf. I thought it was so scary, I loved it and wanted to take it home. However I had walked over and I did not want to stroll the streets of Brooklyn with this Gigantic monster.
Just as I thought, we had stimulating conversation, mouth watering dinner and a lot of laughs.
He asked me to meet him for bagels the next morning. I told him I had a doctors appointment.
He became concerned and asked what for. I explained to him it was just a routine check up.
He asked me the name of the doctor, when I told him he said he knew exactly where I was going. His ex girlfriend had went there for years.
I kissed my dad good night and told him I would call him tomorrow and let him know how I made out.
Morning came and I found myself sitting in a packed waiting room filled with “sick vagina’s”
I call them that because there was some lady in there who was one sandwich short of a picnic. She kept shouting over the other ladies talking, “Hey, uh must be an epidemic, hah, hah, so packed so friggin packed in He-ah”, not here, HE-AH!
“What is it hah? A bunch of sick pussies hah, you get it get pussies”?
As I slumped down as far down as I could in my chair, cursing to myself for not bringing my ipod, when I here” Mudelle, Mudelle, BAGELS!”
I knew that voice and the only person who calls me mudelle is …. MY FATHER?!!!!
I look up as all the other “pussies” did and could not believe my eyes!
My father was actually walking in to the Gyno’s office. Okay that is embarrassing enough, BUT the man had a big bag of fresh bagels AND dear Lord……
The life size werewolf cut out!!!!!!!
I was MOR-TI-FIED!!!!! How am I going to explain this, I thought maybe I could say, this is my husband and I am here because we are with child, I don’t know, I don’t know I couldn’t think.
There are a few steps to walk down to get to the waiting room and watching him struggling down with the bag and the cut out, was painful.
The room of cackling women went quiet, I am sure they heard the screams of embarrassment flying from my head.
“Mudelle, what did the doctor say” as he took a big bite of his bagel! “Well I didn’t see him yet I am still in the waiting room!”
“Mudelle you have no idea how hard it was to get this thing on the bus”
He took it on the bus!!??
I was stunned, I could not speak and the man kept trying to get me to eat a poppy seed bagel, which he sat there and buttered for me, and did I mention this was IN the Waiting room?!!!!
The nurse called my name and I had never been so ecstatic to get on that cold table and spread my legs in fluorescent light, at that point I wanted nothing more.
I went through the exam sweating bullets not because of the exam because
I had no idea what else would be waiting for me in the lobby!
The doc said everything seemed okay and that sometimes when we have a new partner; “crooked or not” our bodies need to adapt to a new person.
She said if it continued, to come back but right now no need for alarm.
I was just finishing texting my sister about daddy and his buddy, as I walked out into the waiting room and found my father there laughing and seemingly having fun with some woman. She was a very cute lady who kind of resembled Betty Boop.
She was eating one of his bagels!
He looked up and asked me how it went, I said good and can we please go now.
He then proceeded to introduce me to Judy and that he was going to wait for her and then go have coffee.
HUH?!! “Do you know each other, I asked” Judy replied “not really we just met”
“But as soon as I saw your dad sitting here with this Giant cardboard Werewolf I starting laughing hysterically and we started talking”.
“Okay, talk to you later, have fun” and I got out of there as fast as I could!
Needless to say 8 months later I was no longer dating the “Crooked Cavalier.”
However I did find myself the maid of Honor at my Dad’s and Judy’s WEDDING!!! They have been married for 10 years now!
How do you like that, who would have ever thought you could meet your soul mate at your gynecologist’s office while eating bagels with a strange man and his cut out werewolf?!
Oh and FYI, that cardboard monster was placed beside my dad, at the wedding as best man.
He adopted him as their son and he is living in the basement of there home.
He is quite a conversation piece for new guests.